At the heart of mommy decisions is the breastmilk vs. formula debate, and no matter what a mother chooses, they are often subjected to the opinions of strangers. Toledo-area moms, from both camps, say they feel judged while feeding their babies in public.

Food for thought

Stephanie Castilleja breastfeeds her 18-month- old daughter Audrey, but often opts to nurse in the car instead of in a restaurant.

“Breastfeeding in public is controversial and I feel nervous about confrontation,” Castilleja said. “In restaurants, I feel like people can kind of stare at you more, versus a location where people are walking around.”

In March, a woman, who asked not to be named, made local news when she said she was asked to leave the Pizza Hut in Wauseon after breastfeeding her son there. Pizza Hut issued a statement claiming she was only asked to move to a different table, but they did apologize.

Social media brings attention to the issue

“There were a lot of comments that people were saying, ‘You know your baby’s feeding schedule, plan your outings around it’” said Kelly Allen, a Maumee mother of two. “I don’t know how cooperative other people’s babies are, but mine don’t run on a military regimen.”

Allen helped organize a “nurse-in” at Pizza Hut in response to the backlash. She said it was more about dropping the stigma surrounding breastfeeding in public than to protest what happened.

“None of us were there to be brazen. The last thing I want to do in a restaurant is breastfeed,” Allen said. “I don’t get excited about nursing in public. I just do it whenever my kid is hungry.”

Allen said the group did receive two negative comments during the nurse-in – one from an adult male and one from teen boys – but everyone else in the restaurant acted like it was not a big deal. She also said Pizza Hut was very supportive and accommodating.

Changing perceptions

Many businesses have demonstrated support for breastfeeding mothers. Imagination Station has a nursing room; Franklin Park Mall sports a family area with nursing stalls. The Toledo Zoo has a nursing room and a Mamava nursing pod. 

Breann Yarnell said she had a very positive experience in the museum at the Toledo Zoo, at closing time.

“When they noticed I was nursing my son they were very nice, asked me if I was comfortable and to take my time,” she said. “My biggest fear seeing them come up to me was [that they would] make me feel ashamed for nursing him and tell me to do it elsewhere, but they didn’t and I’m thankful for that! I’m still very shy about nursing in public, so that helped a lot.”

These designated breastfeeding spaces may be used by a mother and baby looking for privacy or quiet, but some women  comfortably nurse in the open.

“I don’t care [about nursing in public]. I don’t want to make anybody uncomfortable, but I’m pretty discreet,” said Kimmie Clark, a Temperance mother of three. “My husband has seen people make comments or put up their menus, but I haven’t noticed. I don’t look for it.”

The social attitude toward breastfeeding has shifted over the last hundred years. Formula became the more popular feeding method starting in the 1950s, but in recent years the “Breast is Best” campaign have worked to normalize breastfeeding again.

Laura Brown, expecting her third child in September, says she’s never had a negative experience breastfeeding in public, adding  

“I don’t think there’s that many haters out there. I think it’s more a support thing. You just hear more of the bad stories,” she stated.

Does the movement lack a fair formula?

While the pro-breastfeeding push has made education and support readily available for moms who otherwise may not breastfeed, the movement does have its drawbacks.

Clark struggled with breastfeeding her now three-year- old son Emmett due to undiagnosed tongue and lip ties. She exclusively pumped and bottle-fed him for six months, but her supply was limited.

“The first time I had to give him formula, I cried and cried because I felt like such a failure,” she said. “It made my postpartum depression much worse. We are inundated with ‘breast is best.’”

Kristen Lee attempted to breastfeed all three of her children, but eventually switched to formula for each due to various problems. She says her family was very supportive either way, but she chose to formula feed because it was the best choice for her and her children.

But Lee has not been spared public criticism when it comes to feeding her babies.

“I was shopping on Christmas Eve and the (retail store) manager said she was going to turn the lights off [on me] in the bathroom,” Lee explained. “I was feeding Anna. [The manager] said that they needed to go home and that I could bottle-feed her anywhere.”

She said women have also approached her in the grocery store and told her breastfed babies have higher IQs and asked if she’d seen a lactation consultant. She also said she’s noticed women rolling their eyes or glaring at her while bottle-feeding.

Such incidences have made her less comfortable feeding her daughter in public.

“I feed her in bathrooms more often or try to wait until we get home,” she said. “I just hate the stigma associated with [formula feeding]. I don’t think that the pro-breastfeeding movement meant to have this reverse effect on formula-feeding moms, it just sort of happened. When we create special pods for breastfeeding, and special rooms for it, we send a subtle message that breastfeeding is the only way to feed.”

Mom— not moms— knows best

New moms receive a barrage of advice and unsolicited opinions when it comes to their children, and most will admit to feeling guilt or shame over some decision they’ve made, but Lee and others urge moms to not worry about the public.

“You should never be ashamed of feeding your baby,” Lee said. “A fed baby is best, and so long as your baby is fed, you are doing great.”

“[Breastfeeding is] so freaking hard by itself, even in the privacy of your own home. I don’t need to go in public and make it harder by trying to adjust my clothes and do it discreetly,” said Allen. “If you want to use a blanket [to cover up in public], do it, but don’t give someone a hard time if that doesn’t work for them because that’s them and their experience. This is you and your experience.”

A psychology teacher at Toledo Central Catholic High School, Kristi McKinley-David has led the study of child psychology. As a mother of four, and step-mother of four more, she has a lot of experience beyond “book knowledge.” When her sons became bullying victims, she did more than just talk,  calling attention to the situation, insisting that local officials in her sons’ school do something about what she perceives as a widespread problem.

A good start

McKinley-David adopted her twin sons as infants. They are biracial, and she prepared for them to join her family by participating in classes and training offered through the foster/adoption system in Cleveland/Cuyahoga County. That training was helpful to her when her sons encountered bullying in school.

The family moved to Sylvania schools when McKinley-David learned that the system provided help for dyslexia and ADHD. Children in the neighborhood and at school were using the “N” word toward her children, on one occasion telling her sons that “all black men are disabled/LD because they cannot talk,” and, another time, choosing one son for a basketball game with the statement, “I have my nigga.”

She kept in constant contact with school administrators, asking repeatedly for the school system to invite an African-American speaker to address the students about the value of diversity. She contacted the police when her two boys, playing at the park at Highland Elementary School, were approached by older boys who called them the “N” word, then pulled a knife. She recalls that incident and her feeling that the police taking the report seemed more concerned about the bad press than about her sons. But, when one of her boys was injured, she took her case to the media.

Taking it public

In November, 2015, one of her then 7th -grade sons joined the wrestling team. During his first week, wrestling in the 120-lb class, her son was asked to wrestle a veteran 200+lb 8th grader, identified later by several parents as a “bully.” Her son, whose arm was broken during that match, claimed the injury was done purposefully. McKinley-David insisted on seeing a video of the match. Citing privacy concerns, initially she was not shown the video, but, after several weeks, when local print and TV media were informed of the incident, the video was released and she was able to view it. She received varying explanations of the incident from the coach, but the police determined that the actions of the older boy appeared as legitimate wrestling moves, no criminal charges were filed.

That didn’t stop her. Her son, unable to wrestle, or participate in sports, for four months, wore a weighted cast to pull his bones back into place. McKinley-David continued to work with school administrators and a Diversity Coordinator, with hopes that he will assist students ”to see different perspectives and just get along.” She reports that the administration has gotten to know her and her husband due to these incidents adding, “They are really listening to us and have been very proactive as advocates for our boys.”

We can’t let this go

McKinley-David insists, “We need to speak up when we see someone being mistreated, whether with words or actions. We need to protect children first and quit protecting adults when it comes to educating with respect to diversity.” Too many parents believe that avoiding exposure to people of different ethnic and socioeconomic backgrounds will keep children safe.

“That attitude does a disservice to the children who need to learn the ability to see other points of view and to develop empathy to live in the real world. Parents who choose to demonstrate ‘hate,’ with subtle or blunt racial comments, and teach that thinking to their children, probably want safe schools and communities for their kids. They should remember that all parents—whatever ethnicity—want the same thing for their children.”

“This year has been hard on our family,” she concluded. “My boys have had to go to counseling, but my children are able to forgive and will be wonderful advocates for others who are in need.”