It’s been four years since my husband passed away, but the journey moving forward without him continues daily. Perhaps it’s no longer a journey of healing; rather it’s simply our journey of life. After all, are we ever completely “healed” after the loss of a loved one?

Unchartered territory

Losing a spouse or significant other leaves a void that isn’t easily explained nor is it easily filled. And the journey to pursue love after loss is just as personal and unique as your grief journey. This new place isn’t for everyone, and that’s OK, too. Some may think you’re dating too soon while others feel you’re taking too long to “get back out there.” Always remember, this isn’t their journey, it’s yours. My golden rule of healing and moving forward has always been to do what is best for me and my family no matter what others may say or think.

Mindfully walking the journey

Throughout my process of healing after Jim passed, I walked thoughtfully and deliberately regarding countless situations. More importantly, I had three young kids trying to figure out the journey as well. I knew I only had one chance to help us move forward as a family and I wanted to do it mindfully rather than haphazardly. It was important to me that my children observed and understood that we would be fine no matter what. I needed them to feel safe and secure in their future and know that “We’ve got this” should it always remain just the four of us. Never did I want them to feel their mother needed to run to a man to save us. That was very personal and important to me.

When I lost my husband my children were in second, fifth and eighth grades. As the first year turned into the second and then rounded to the third, I knew one day my children would be grown and on their own. I also knew I had too much love left to give and I hoped I would one day have someone to share my life with again. Yet a nagging guilt remained that maybe I shouldn’t venture into the dating scene. Would it mean I didn’t love my husband enough? Would my children think I didn’t love their daddy? Would people think I would no longer keep Jim’s memory alive? I decided, at least for me, it meant none of those things.

Fighting off the fears and finding happiness

I can’t speak for everyone, but I think many who have experienced the loss of a significant other would say they hope to never endure that again. I am no different. I played every scenario in my mind of what might happen to the next person I let myself love. I lived it once; I’m not sure I could live it again.

But I realized I had to get real. I was either going to play it safe and possibly miss out on many wonderful years with someone special, or I was going to take a leap of faith and believe that I did deserve to be happy with someone again. I had already learned there were no guarantees in life.

Moving forward is not forgetting

Moving forward is not synonymous with forgetting. And though my children have known and loved my current significant other their entire lives, it has been important that they understand their dad will always be their dad and that no one will ever take his place. Even still, that doesn’t always make things easier. Though they might have a difficult time now and then, I know deep down children want to see their parents happy, and mine are no different. This new and uncharted part of the journey continues to take all of us through ever-changing terrain. But as a family we will continue to walk the path while honoring their dad’s memory and making new memories.

Bullying in the schoolyard isn’t new. But parents today have to worry about kids being bullied online, too. In the past year, many communities and schools report an increase in the number of incidents in which children are harassed because of gender, race, ethnicity, sexual orientation or political point of view. According to Stopbullying.gov, 49% of children in grades 4 to 12 have experienced bullying, and 30% admitted to bullying others.
Like old fashioned bullying, cyberbullying involves a willful, repeated effort to humiliate, harass or threaten another person. Unlike traditional bullying, cyber attacks use technology like text messages, social media, apps or even the chat option on video games.

Cyberbullying is different from traditional bullying in two ways. First, there’s no escape. Technology follows kids home and even to another school. As soon as a child logs on, insults, slurs and hate become vivid again. Second, nothing disappears online. Taunts that would have been forgotten at the end of the day can resurface at any time. Young people can be truly traumatized if their most embarrassing moments go viral.

Now more than ever, parents need to stand firmly on the side of decency and kindness. By setting clear household rules, you can help your children develop the self-control that keeps them from making someone’s life miserable. Here are other ideas about how to combat bullying online:

Delay social media access. Middle school students are especially vulnerable to bullying because they are trying to figure out where they fit socially. Often they form very strong ties to a particular peer group, and they can be insensitive, intolerant or even cruel to people outside that group. Keeping kids away from social media until they have better social skills makes sense, though it isn’t easy if “everyone” has a smartphone. “Wait Until 8th” is an effort to create support for parents who don’t think smartphones are necessary in middle school. Started by a Mom in Texas, the program encourages parents to band together so teens don’t feel like the only one without a phone.

Avoid anonymous apps. Being anonymous seems to encourage cruelty. The most recent example is an app called Sarahah, a word which translates as honesty in Arabic. Originally intended as a way for employees to provide constructive anonymous feedback to employers, the app has degenerated into a place where people feel free to say all the horrible things they would never say face-to-face. For teens and pre-teens, the feedback can be devastating. Anonymous apps are cowardly. Make them off limits.

Enlist artificial intelligence. The survey by Reportlinker found cyberbullying was most likely to occur in text messages and social media accounts like Facebook, Instagram, Twitter and Snapchat. Supervising these environments isn’t easy, unless parents turn to software like Bark (www.bark.us). This new app uses artificial intelligence to scan communications for slang and other clues associated with bullying, grooming or harassment.The app also gives parents advice about how to intervene constructively. Bark offers a 30-day trial free and then charges $9 per month.

Say no to roasting. Are insults funny or, well, insulting? That’s the question you have to ask about a new fad called roasting. Kids voluntarily post a photo or video with the hashtag #roast me. Sometimes what they get is good-natured joshing. And sometimes they get ripped to shreds. A child who asks to be roasted is hungry for attention and probably needs better outlets.

Discuss real world consequences. Sometimes kids— and adults— use the concept of free speech as a justification for messages that denigrate or disparage other people. Although free discussion of ideas and opinions is at the heart of democracy, it should always be done with respect. Children need to understand the difference between healthy, even heated, debate and attacks on people for who they are or how they look. People can— and often do— change their minds when they are exposed to better ideas.
Because of hateful posts, young people have lost jobs, scholarships, college acceptances and athletic opportunities, not to mention friendships with people who find such views offensive.
Perhaps the most important thing parents can do to counter bullying of all kinds is to raise children strong enough to be compassionate, curious, constructive and courageous instead of critical, condescending, cowardly and cruel. To do that, all of us have to aspire to be models of what we hope our children will become.

Although Camisha Shamaine became a single parent through tragic circumstances, she has blazed a trail from tragedy to triumph, from depression to greatness, and from low self-esteem to confidence. Four years ago, her partner, Joseph Moore, passed away in his sleep of natural causes, and she was left to pick up the pieces with a 6-day-old infant and 2-year-old toddler. Shamaine credits her faith in God, the love and support of her mother, Shawn, and her children with helping her to build her life back, better than before she lost her life partner.

Making a change

One day, Shamaine stood in front of the mirror and looked at herself, and how she had changed, physically and mentally. She was at her heaviest, 190 pounds. She was depressed and didn’t know what to do. She cried out to God and asked him to give her the strength to fix things, and in that moment her mindset began to change. From the time she was 12 years old, she suffered from low self-esteem and feelings of unworthiness. Shamaine was bullied and not welcomed because she was “the new, overweight, bubbly, dark-skinned girl”.

Today, Shamaine is at a healthy 135 pounds, has a strong sense of purpose, and is living out her dreams. “There will always be a new day to change your yesterday,” she says. She learned the importance of setting her mind and focusing on positive things, eating healthy on a budget, and using her surroundings to develop a good workout regimen. She even involves her kids, Jailan, 7, and Justin, 4. On any given day, you can catch all three of them working out together or enjoying a “cheat day” from their healthy lifestyle.

Family support

After Joseph’s death, Shamaine’s mother, Shawn, and stepfather, Robert, became an integral part of her family unit. The boys enjoy riding bikes, picking apples and pears, and golfing with their grandparents. In addition to the fun moments, Shawn provides wisdom and consistency for their family as they navigate growing up without their dad. The main thing Shamaine tries to instill in her sons is that they are great and powerful young men, and that the sky is the limit for them.

New found confidence

Camisha Shamaine has grown from self-doubting to a confident woman; after her partner died, she realized she didn’t have a choice, she needed to create a safe space for her children to develop. Along with her new-found confidence, Shamaine had an epiphany about a year ago at two in the morning. She had an idea to start a cosmetics company that was all about helping women feel beautiful and finding their self-worth. SexC Cosmetics was born and she has invested her savings into building her dreams and empowering women. Shamaine’s motto is: “Let go and reclaim YOUR life back! Discover who you really are and pursue your passion.”

Makeup is a way to feel beautiful and validate yourself, so that you are not dependent on another’s narrative of you. Shamaine believes, for many women, it can be extremely difficult to step out and do something different, if we don’t feel beautiful. “Often, confidence comes from beauty,” she says. Shamaine never felt beautiful until a few years ago when she found her inner strength, and now she is taking her empowering story and building a professional speaking platform. Her message of pushing through adversity, following dreams, and building self-confidence is a common struggle and she enjoys speaking to diverse groups.

Q&A with
Camisha Shamaine

What’s your favorite activity to do
with your family/kids?
The boys and I love listening to music, and they try to guess the artist.
Best Holiday memory you have from when you were a kid?
My best memory is Christmas time having half of the living room covered with gifts and opening presents with my brothers.
What’s your go-to activity when you finally have a few minutes to yourself? Journaling and listening to music
Name one thing you swore you’d never do as a mom, but totally do.
I swore I would never be as tough on them academically and make them go to bed by 8pm .
Describe your life in five words.
Blessed, Bright, Memorable, Irreplaceable, Lessons