Yes, You Really Need To Learn How To Say No — Here’s Why

By Ronnie Blair

The demands on your time can be overwhelming — and yet, instead of easing up, they keep coming as seemingly everyone has a request.

Maybe it’s an organization that needs volunteers for an upcoming event (yet again). Perhaps it’s your boss, who comes to you first because you always pitch in while others beg out of additional assignments. Or it could be a close friend who needs a favor, another favor and yet another favor

Your to-do list is already filled to overflowing, but guilt sets in whenever you try to utter the simple word “no.”

“Say the word anyway if commitments are stacking up and another one is going to just add to your stress,” says Andi Simon, a corporate anthropologist, founder of Simon Associates Management Consultants, and author of Rethink: Smashing the Myths of Women in Business.

Simon said it’s worth noting that you aren’t the only one who has trouble saying “no.” In a review of research on the subject, social psychologist Vanessa K. Bohns wrote that “many people agree to things —  even things they would prefer not to do — simply to avoid the considerable discomfort of saying ‘no.’ ” 

Bohns further wrote that refusing to take no for an answer is a good strategy on the requester’s part because research showed that people “found it just as uncomfortable — seemingly more so — to refuse someone a second time.”

Simon recently participated in a roundtable discussion about the difficulties of saying no, especially to people who have come to expect that you will always say yes. The stories people told proved jarring.

One woman provided pro-bono support to a non-profit that needed assistance with its website.

“She kept thinking that her project was completed, but they kept asking for ‘just one more change,’” Simon said. “Finally, she had to say ‘no’ and they were very angry at her.”

Simon said another participant turned away a potential client because she did not think she could provide the support that was needed. But she was dealing with someone who did not want to take no for an answer. Ultimately, she stuck with her no, but both she and the potential client ended up with a bad feeling about their relationship. 

A third participant was a leader of a group in his company, Simon said. At times he had to take what others thought were good ideas and say, “No, that isn’t a good idea.” 

“He had no way to say that diplomatically and ended up being labeled as a boss who wasn’t creative or innovative,” Simon says. “He felt he was managing within the limits he had available to bring new ideas to market.”

Sometimes “yes” may indeed be the correct response, said Simon, but the ability to set boundaries and say no is important. She says some things worth knowing about saying no include:

• It’s essential that you take care of you. Sure, it’s nice to help others when you can, but saying “yes” even when you long to say “no” can result in people expecting they can always turn to you — and that becomes overwhelming after a while. “The challenge with expectation management is just that,” Simon said. “How do we manage expectations so we protect our own ‘brand’ and our identity, retain our respect and that of others, and still show people why their desires are not ones you are going to fulfill their way. Is it bad to take care of you?”
• Saying “no” doesn’t mean you’re a bad person who can’t be counted on.  Don’t let the discomfort caused by saying no force you into doing something you prefer not to do, Simon added. “It isn’t terrible to find yourself saying to someone, ‘I’m sorry, I simply cannot do that by the time you would like me to.’ It’s not a problem, and once you do it, you will just begin to say ‘no’ more often. Just pick carefully the requests you agree to and those you turn down.”
• Everyone needs time for themselves. Most people realize it’s important to use their time wisely, but part of using it wisely is to set aside quiet time for yourself, Simon pointed out. “That’s difficult to do if you’re acquiescing to every request that comes in via email, text message or someone knocking on your office door. “Quiet lets the brain stop moving for a moment and it really works well.” 

“You can only do so much,” Simon said. “It’s important to keep in mind that ‘no’ is not a four-letter word.” 

Andi Simon, Ph.D., author of Rethink: Smashing the Myths of Women in Business, is an international leader in the emerging field of corporate anthropology and founder and CEO of Simon Associates Management Consultants. A trained practitioner in Blue Ocean Strategy®, Simon has conducted over 400 workshops and speeches on the topic as well as consulted with a wide range of clients across the globe. She also is the author of the award-winning book On the Brink: A Fresh Lens to Take Your Business to New Heights. Simon has a successful podcast, On the Brink with Andi Simon, that has more than 125,000 monthly listeners, and is ranked among the top 20 Futurist podcasts and top 200 business podcasts for entrepreneurs. In addition, Global Advisory Experts named Simons’ firm the Corporate Anthropology Consultancy Firm of the Year in New York – 2020. She has been on Good Morning America and Bloomberg, and is widely published in the Washington Post, Los Angeles Times, Forbes, Business Week, Becker’s, and American Banker, among others. She has been a guest blogger for Forbes.com, Huffington Post, and Fierce Health.

By Dads’ Resource Center

Many people find this time of the year to be the most stressful because they are busy trying to fit in so much around the holidays. For millions of divorced parents, there are additional challenges to face as they try to make the holidays a success while splitting custody of the children. The good news is that there are things that co-parents can do in order to make the holiday more enjoyable and less stressful for everyone.

“What children in separated families want more than anything in the world is for mom and dad to work together on their behalf,” explains Dads’ Resource Center executive director Jeff Steiner. “The greatest present that separated parents can give their children at any time, and most particularly during the holidays, is the gift of getting along.” 

The first knee-jerk reaction that many co-parents have is to essentially grab a rope and invite the other parent to a game of tug-of-war. Both parents fight about who will have the kids over the holidays and there’s very little compromise and flexibility involved. That’s not going to create a great holiday experience for anyone, and may even have a detrimental impact on the children.

When parents can successfully work together to create a great holiday experience, the child will benefit, as will the parents. The effort to work together will show the child a great lesson in how to get along with others, how to work together, and how to put their family first. It’s important for families to not put the pressures or stresses of co-parenting during the holidays onto the child, as it will only make them feel like they are a burden. Rather, focus on working together to make it a great month, and working through any challenges with a good attitude. 

Here are 5 holiday survival tips for divorced parents to help them work together to make the best experience:

Plan it out. Make a list of the events that people want to do for the holiday, for each side of the family, and if the child has any special event they want to attend. Map and schedule it all out to include as many as possible. If there are conflicts on particular days, work out which one will be attended. Having a plan that everyone agrees to is the first major step to ensuring a smooth holiday month.

Discuss the gifts. It’s important that both parents are okay with the gifts that the other one wants to purchase. If both parents don’t agree to a certain gift then it should be left off the table. For example, if one parent wants to purchase the teen a pellet gun and the other disagrees, then that gift should be avoided. Work out the bigger gifts so there’s no problems that arise after they have been opened.

Be patient. Co-parents or not, it’s important to practice patience during this time of the year. As people find it to be a more stressful time, it is a good idea to do things to relax and reduce stress, such as meditation, reading, taking a walk, etc. Make time during the month to relax and simply do nothing.

Agree to not fight. It’s common for co-parents to want to fight to get their way on every issue, oftentimes taking it to court. Instead of that route, which is more difficult for the kids, agree to work together. In doing so, you will need to compromise, but it will be worth it. Remember, the kids are watching what battles are waged and how they are fought, and will often repeat those patterns later on in life. Make sure what you are teaching them is something you’d want them repeating.

Put the kids first. The years of co-parenting during the holidays are fleeting. It’s imperative to put the kids first and give them the best possible experience. Ask yourself what is in the child’s best interest when challenges arise. Being able to have some traditions and see family and extended family members are positive ways to help give the child a good foundation.

“Study after study shows what we already know – children develop more fully and have a greater chance of being successful in life when both of their parents are actively involved in their lives,” said Dads’ Resource Center founder Dr. Joel N. Myers. “It is my most sincere wish that all children are given the opportunity to benefit so greatly from their fathers’ engaged presence.”

Dads’ Resource Center was started by Dr. Myers, a father of eight and the founder and CEO of AccuWeather. The mission is to help combat the issues associated with children growing up without their fathers in the home. At its heart, the center is a child advocacy organization that aims to ensure that each child has the appropriate involvement and contributions from both parents.

Dads’ Resource Center has been established to benefit children of separated or divorced parents by advocating the importance of fathers having adequate opportunities to fulfill their role of fatherhood. The group helps get information regarding the issues out to the public and works with fathers to help make improvements. To get more information, visit their website.

Getting kids to clean their rooms and do other chores around the house is usually a constant battle for parents. Here’s the good news: very soon kids will be hard at work writing letters and making lists of the toys and games they hope to receive for Christmas! This creates the perfect opportunity for parents to re-motivate their kids. 

Santa and his elves will be watching to make sure those chores are getting done and that valuable lessons are being learned as well. Parents with a busy holiday schedule can follow these simple tips to get kids to help more around the house and keep them motivated year-round because Santa is always watching.

Make Like an Elf – It might be hard for kids to understand the concept of a job, so put it in holiday terms. Santa and the elves are working hard to make the toys and games, so kids need to work hard to earn them. Treat their chores as their first job and an opportunity to start teaching them about spending, saving, donating and investing.

Divide Up Hosting Housework – Assign your children tasks that match their ages and skill sets to get the house ready for holiday guests. Make sure to give them a deadline to help teach time management and keep them focused. Pay them for the work they do and suggest they use the money to pay for small gifts for a family gift exchange. 

Shovel Up the Savings – Broaden the concept of a “first job” for older kids by having them do chores for neighbors. You can either pay your kids for raking leaves and shoveling snow or talk to your neighbors about hiring your kids for a small amount. Have your kids put the money into savings and use this as an opportunity to teach them about the different types of interest that can be earned through savings accounts. 

Spread Cheer – Going out of the way to help others during the holidays is in the spirit of the season. To teach kids the importance of helping others and make them feel like they are making a difference, have them use part of their earnings from doing chores for a charitable donation or to buy gifts and food for families in need. 

Stuff Stockings with Stocks – If you want your kids to help out with chores all year, not just during the holidays, give them a reason to be motivated. Adults work for a paycheck and kids will too, especially if their money starts growing in the stock market.

Gregg Mursett is the CEO of BusyKid