Parental favoritism is a complex topic — it’s a common occurrence, yet many parents don’t realize they’re showing it. It can manifest in various ways, such as giving one child more attention or privileges. Discover what the long-term effects of favoritism on children are and how it can affect their mental and emotional wellness.
Is having a favorite child a bad thing?
Parental favoritism is surprisingly common. It happens when a parent favors a child and occurs in up to 65% of families. It’s a phenomenon that’s often unintentional but becomes a bigger problem, especially when kids grow up and start to notice differences in treatment.
One of the most contributing factors is birth order, or you may feel more connected to the child whose personality aligns with yours. Regardless, it’s challenging to pinpoint the cause, especially if it happens unintentionally.
There’s nothing wrong with having a favorite as long as you treat your children equally. It could only be a problem when your preference becomes more obvious — especially to your kids — or when you start paying less attention to other children.
What are the long-term effects of favoritism on children?
Favoritism is often viewed as a positive for the favored child. After all, they receive better treatment from their parents than their siblings do.
However, being favored can have negative emotional implications, especially if it persists into adulthood. If you’re curious about how favoritism affects the child’s mental health, you might be surprised to learn that its effects extend beyond the seemingly positive aspects.
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Sibling rivalry
One of the long-term impacts of favoritism is poor sibling relationships. Less-favored siblings may feel inadequate about themselves, which can cause resentment toward the favored one. Siblings may also direct their anger toward the favored kid, often blaming them for the inadequate treatment they’re getting from parents.
As a result, the favored child may feel guilty for their unfavored sibling’s resentment. Learn how to spot the signs of sibling rivalry to prevent increased tension among your children:
- Jealousy
- Competition and showing off
- Viewing the other sibling as an enemy
- Undermining other siblings to make them feel incapable and inadequate
Sense of entitlement
The favored child may develop a sense of entitlement and become used to getting their way, which can lead to problems. According to licensed professional counselor Yelena Gidenko, PhD, LPC, favorite children may feel exempt from the rules, affecting their ability to sustain mature romantic relationships. Additionally, it can affect how they act in school, work and friendships.
Insecurity
If you’re wondering how favoritism affects mental health, chances are you’ll never think insecurity wouldn’t be one of them. It may seem counterintuitive, but your favored child may experience a lack of confidence. Children are observant — they know when they’re getting praised for things they didn’t earn, such as being your favorite.
If you suspect your child is insecure and anxious, talk to them about it. Start by saying you support and love them, then just listen. When their insecurities start hindering their growth at school or in relationships, professional help may be needed. Mental health therapy through telemedicine is a convenient solution for children too shy to open up, providing equal accessibility to anyone, regardless of their abilities or location.
Over reliance on Validation
Praise feels good. However, if you constantly praise your favorite child, it can backfire in the long run. After all, praising a child’s intelligence or output fosters a fixed mindset, which is associated with anxiety and depression. It could create a fragile sense of true self-worth and over reliance on other people’s validation. When children don’t meet societal expectations to be high-achieving and successful, they may blame themselves, causing feelings of low self-worth.
Increased pressure and expectations
Showing favoritism may impose higher expectations on your favored child, believing they should consistently succeed in school, sports or other activities. The child may feel pressured to perform well in everything they do because they fear disappointing you.
What to do to avoid favoritism
Now that you know the long-term effects of favoritism on children, you can take action toward creating a healthier growth environment for them.
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Avoid comparison
Parents often compare one child to another with good intentions, hoping it will motivate them. However, remarks like, “Your brother’s room is neat. Why can’t you clean yours?” suggest that you prefer the behavior of the other sibling. Simply observe your children as individuals, attend to their needs and admire them for who they are.
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Never take sides in a fight
Taking sides is a glaring sign of favoritism. When a disagreement happens between two siblings, both children should have the same consequences. For instance, if they can’t share a video game console without fighting over it, they both lose their gaming time.
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Celebrate differences
Appreciate your children’s personalities and teach them about their uniqueness. If you have little kids, demonstrate it by referencing superheroes with various strengths and weaknesses.
Overcome parental favoritism
Favoritism can be confusing and painful for both the unfavored kid and the favored child. Whether it be a lack of confidence or over reliance on validation, the impacts can be challenging. As a parent, you can still do something to stop it from happening.
