Hey 2025,
So, it looks like you and all of us parents will be spending a lot of time together. As that is the case, perhaps we should set some expectations right at the beginning. I mean, COVID is what happens when we don’t properly communicate. Let’s not do that again.
For starters, let’s go over eggs. Some of us parents have teenage boys who eat eggs like they are Rocky and are training for Drago. Honestly, I’m sick of hearing about protein intake to make gains. It’s exhausting, but even more so for my bank account. And did you know those teenagers can also put away a whole loaf of bread and a gallon of milk in like a day? Once they invite their friends over, it’s like a swarm of locusts have come through, and it’s a biblical plague. That barren wasteland is what my grocery budget looks like.
Next, us parents are willing to negotiate for at least three months of no random family emergencies. No toddlers climbing the fridge or the mysterious car troubles where the mechanic explains that the North muffler is interfering with our catalytic converter. We don’t even know what that means. On behalf of parents, we are just asking for one-quarter of smooth sailing. Give us October through December, and you can go absolutely nuts in the spring. Hit us with “My basement is flooding” or “What do you mean my card is declined?”
Now, this brings us to the random kid sickness that comes out of nowhere. There is absolutely no reason any kid should get the flu in the middle of summer. Quit trying to make this a thing.
We have also had enough of unboxing videos please and thank you.
Now we are going to get a big ask. Parents are suffering from decision fatigue. Every day we are asked to decide the big and the small. Can I borrow the car? Where are my shoes? Can I eat dirt but not dinner? Parents are so unbelievably tired that we just can’t take it anymore. We have to decide what is for breakfast, lunch and dinner EVERY SINGLE DAY. Forever.
And let’s be honest, half the decisions we are making are completely worthless. Does it matter if we go to our mother-in-law’s house? Asking for a friend. Don’t rat me out, but seriously, do I need to be there inhaling secondhand smoke and being told that I’m not as fat as I used to be? That is a decision that never needed to be made.
Finally, again, on behalf of all parents, let’s talk about the overwhelming parental anxiety. Every single year, there are a host of world issues that seem poised over our heads like the sword of Damocles. Take some Zoloft 2025, we all need a break.
Sincerely,
All Parents.
