As adults get older, they have more experience coping with the loss of a loved one. Not so with children, who grieve in their own way, in their own time, and with their own thoughts and fears. How can parents and caregivers help kids navigate the grief process?
Simple: Listen to what the grieving child has to say. Such is the advice of Dorothy Mockensturm, managing director of Good Grief of Northwest Ohio, a nonprofit whose mission is to focus on children’s grief.
“The first thing I suggest is to listen,” she said. “Hold back from offering advice or making judgment. Listen without judging or interpreting. As caring adults, we’re often tempted to minimize the situation because we’re trying to protect them.”
What an adult can say, she said, is what she calls reflecting or mirroring. An example would be when a child says, “I miss my mom, especially in the morning,” the adult should respond by repeating that, which serves to validate the child’s feelings without trying to fix the situation. “Trying to fix it can be dismissive,” she said. “The most important thing for parents or any adult is to be open to listening.”
Children grieve differently
Another point adults should remember is that children grieve different than adults do, “especially the younger kids, age 4 to 9 or 10,” Mockensturm said. “They can’t maintain high levels of emotional intensity. They pop in and out of it. One moment they’re clearly drenched in grief, the next minute they want to go outside and play or get a snack. That can be confusing to adults around them.”
Adults may question whether the child actually is grieving. “We’re here to tell you that’s how kids grieve,” she said.
It’s important for parents and caregivers to be open to different ways of grieving. “Grief differs from child to child in the same family,” she added. “In a family where there are siblings, be open to the fact that each one may need a different way of processing. One child can be vocal and want to talk and share fears. The brother or sister may not be as talkative, which means they’re grieving differently.”
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She added, “The other thing I would suggest is to take your cue from the child. They’re the ones who know what they need in the moment. Older kids might say they don’t want to talk about it, and that’s OK. Your response should be, ‘If you ever do want to talk, I’m here,’ and keep checking in.”
Grief talk goes the other way, too. Adults should feel comfortable talking about their grief with children “Be honest with your emotions. We shy away from that because we think we’re protecting the children, but we’re not being fully present to them,” she said.
Good Grief stands ready
Speaking of her organization, Mockensturm added, “We’re always an option. Our program is peer-based group support. It’s not counseling or therapy. Our goal is to help kids identify healthy coping skills, supporting people they can talk to, activities that help them.” Good Grief is open to children aged 4 to 18.
“We want kids to identify their feelings and have some tools to get through that moment. The activities that we plan for our kids are designed to begin conversation of their grief. For example, let’s talk about how angry we get. We think grief is one-dimensional: sadness. It’s also anger, confusion and with kids, embarrassment.”
Good Grief partners with local schools – at the end of last academic year, the organization was in 18 schools, she said – where it works with school counselors who are co-facilitators. Good Grief also has support sessions at its Reynolds Road office. In schools, the support groups comprise six to eight children; groups in the agency’s office are usually 10 or fewer, she said.
“Our services are completely free,” she said. “Because it’s not treatment, we don’t get insurance reimbursement; 100 percent of our income is charitable donations.”
Mockensturm noted that much of what Good Grief suggests in navigating grief is applicable to adults, too. She concluded, “Grieving people of any age can be hard on themselves – worrying if we’re crying too much, or not enough. If we’re thinking of them too much, or not enough. There’s a vague perception that there is a right or wrong way to grief. There is no right or wrong way. Each experience is unique.
“Parents and caregivers can help their kids and themselves by letting them know and acknowledge themselves that all feelings are ok, as long as they don’t translate to behavior that hurts themselves or anybody else.”
