Dear Overwhelmed,
My heart goes out to you — handling tantrums and intense emotions is no small task. The fact that you’re seeking guidance shows how deeply you care about your child. By calming yourself first, you create the space to respond thoughtfully and guide your child toward growth.
What You Can Do
Pause and Regroup
When emotions are running high, take a moment to disconnect from the situation. Calmly tell your child, “Mommy needs a moment to calm down so I can help you.” This models self-care and shows them it’s okay to step back when emotions feel overwhelming. Once you’ve mastered this, you can begin to self-regulate and co-regulate together.
Get Curious About the Behavior
Tantrums are often a sign of unmet needs or overwhelming emotions. Instead of reacting to the behavior itself, get curious. Ask yourself, “What might they need right now? Are they tired, hungry, frustrated or seeking connection?” Approach the situation without judgment, seeing beyond the behavior to understand the root cause. This shift in mindset fosters compassion and helps you address the actual need rather than just the reaction.
Self-Regulate
When you’ve stepped away, focus on calming your nervous system. Deep belly breathing works wonders — inhale fully and exhale longer to signal relaxation to your body. You can also visualize releasing stress, like blowing up a balloon with your thoughts and releasing as you watch it float away. Gentle movement, like stretching or pacing, can also help release pent-up energy.
Co-Regulate with Your Child
Once you’re calmer, invite your child to join you in calming down. For example, say, “Mommy needs a moment. Would you like to take a few breaths with me?” Whether or not they participate, seeing you self-regulate teaches them how to manage their own emotions. Your engagement should be warm and responsive. Co-regulation is a powerful way to guide them toward emotional stability while reinforcing connection.
Daily Calming Rituals
To prevent burnout for both you and your child, incorporate fun, calming rituals into your day. These might include:
- Morning stretches or giggle together, even for just three minutes.
- Quiet reading time, either alone or together.
- Hugging moments — touch is incredibly soothing.
- Evening gratitude reflections or spending time in nature, discovering and connecting with each other
These small moments of mindfulness and connection help regulate emotions proactively, making it easier to handle challenges when they arise.
Connect Before Correct
After regaining your calm, focus on connection. Lower yourself to their eye level and validate their feelings: “I see you’re really upset. Can you tell me what’s wrong?” Avoid minimizing their emotions — be empathetic and let them feel you understand.
Boundaries are important. If your child is hitting another child, address it with calm authority:
- “It’s not okay to hit others. Hitting hurts. Try using your words.”
Then, offer a choice: “You can calm down on your own, or we can calm down together.” This sets a clear boundary while giving them autonomy and teaching emotional regulation.
Bringing it together
By recognizing tantrums as signals of unmet needs, you can approach them with curiosity and compassion rather than judgment. When you combine this understanding with self-regulation and co-regulation, you teach your child healthy coping mechanisms while creating an environment of safety and trust. Parenting isn’t about perfection — it’s about progress. Take it one step at a time.
If you’re still struggling, consider reaching out to a support group or seeking professional help. And please let us know how you’re doing! Wishing you the best on your parenting journey!
Warmly,
Ritu
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