Getting teens to open up and share can feel as hard as climbing Mt. Everest without a Sherpa to guide you. And like climbing a mountain, it is important to prepare ahead of the journey. “To build a good environment for communication, it’s important to first focus on building a good relationships with your teens,” Jill Haar, MA, LPCC-S at Harbor, a leading local mental health provider, explained, adding, “Healthy relationships are built on qualities like trustworthiness, fairness, respect, honesty, accountability and shared control and freedom.”
“For parents and guardians, I encourage them to think about the saying ‘Practice what you preach, and model what you teach.’ Be consistent in your relationships with others, be honest, express interest in their interests, and give options and choices when you can. When teens see consistency, they learn to trust and communicate more freely,” Haar said.
Why so secretive?
“The most common response I hear from teens about why they keep things secret from their parents is because they don’t want to get in trouble,” Haar said. “It usually comes down to fearing the disappointment or anger of the parent or caregiver. They’re typically able to easily see that they should have done better and are fearful of being shamed and losing both trust and privileges.”
What can parents and caregivers do to reassure their teen? Haar suggests:
• Remind them that you love them, that you want them to be safe, and that you want what is best for them.
• Manage your own frustration and anger when they do something wrong and you decide to impose consequences.
• Remember that your teen is not yet an adult. They will make mistakes. How you respond teaches them what to expect as adults
Timing is everything
Are there good times and not-so- good times to initiate conversations with teens? Definitely. “Would you, as an adult, be able to focus on a serious conversation the moment you walked in the door after a long day at work? Carrying the groceries? When you’re trying to watch a video? Trying to make dinner? It isn’t that you don’t want to focus on that conversation, it’s just that there are other things competing for your attention.” Haar offers the following suggestions for conversation starters:
• Model how to set aside time to focus
• Give a heads up that you have something you’d like to discuss with them
Set aside some time for conversation
Put aside the phone, turn off the television and directly focus on your teen and the topic of conversation. Use phrases like “In five minutes…”, “When you’ve finished…”
Open-ended questions
“Approach questioning with the rule ‘Investigate, don’t interrogate.’ If you notice your teen’s behavior has changed, focus on the change itself, not what you think is causing it. Structure your question to focus on what you’ve observed and ask for more information,” Haar said.
“For example, if you notice your teen’s sleeping habits have changed, don’t approach it with ‘Why are you not sleeping?’ Instead, say ‘I noticed you were still awake early this morning. Are you having trouble sleeping or is something else happening?’”
Pick a good location
The dinner table is a great place for the family to have casual conversations about their day. But if the conversation warrants more privacy, consider where that should happen. “I encourage parents and caregivers to try to limit the audience as much as possible. Serious conversations should be as private as possible. That may mean having that conversation in the car, or in their room, or on a walk around the neighborhood. What matters most is that the teen is given a reasonable choice about where and when the conversation takes place. Offer options for them and give them a chance to choose their best fit.”
Establishing a healthy channel of communication with your teen will help them in the present, while giving them the tools they need to succeed in the future. “Good communication leads to clarity and confidence,” Haar explains. “Poor communication leads to confusion and frustration. Only with good communication can we confidently understand the world around us and help the world understand us.”
