When Tracy Glock’s 13-month-old daughter, Kira, was hospitalized with Acute Myeloid Leukemia, she was touched by the outpouring of support she and her husband received.
During those difficult months, the community rallied around the family. Friends and acquaintances babysat Kira in the hospital while her mom and dad worked, and many others helped by delivering meals and even mowing the family’s lawn.”Words cannot express the gratitude you feel when someone you barely know does so much for you,” Glock says. Tracy was also pregnant at the time with Kira’s sister, Allina.
Although Kira, now seven, has recovered from the frightening ordeal, she still faces many daily challenges. As a child with Down syndrome and autism, learning and development takes longer and requires more patience compared to the typically developing child.
Like many parents who have children with special needs, Glock says finding time for herself is difficult. While many of us know how to help a family in crisis, how do we support parents who often put their own needs last as they focus on the daily challenges of caring for special needs youngsters?
Offer to babysit
Finding trustworthy, alternate caregivers is a huge relief for parents who regularly juggle medical appointments, school issues and therapy, not to mention jobs and other children. “Every special needs parent is different, but everyone can use a little rest,” Glock says.
Because special needs children require more attention from their parents, healthcare providers and therapists, other children in the family may feel slighted. “Children always struggle and this is the case whether they’re special needs or not,” says Nancy Masannat, mom to two children, Emy, 16, and 14 year old Kyle, who is on the autism spectrum. “There are going to be sibling jealousies.”
When her children were younger, Masannat would often schedule her son’s appointments during times when her daughter was in preschool. “In my daughter’s mind, it wasn’t fair that someone was coming to the house and playing with her brother and not her.”
Having access to a qualified babysitter you can trust with your special needs child can provide an opportunity to spend much-needed, one-on-one time with your other children.
Ask your friend how they’re doing and then simply listen. Avoid offering platitudes or suggestions to help fix problems. “We all just like to be heard. Everybody likes to vent,” Masannat says. “Just listen to what the issues are without judgment. That’s a huge help for everybody, but primarily when you’re dealing with something that someone else might not understand.”
Get to know your friend’s child, including their disability, their personality quirks and their individual needs. And ask your friend about their specific parenting challenges. “It shows that you care and will help you provide more effective support,” says Heather Trammell, mom to two special needs children, Beth, 14, who has Down syndrome and Marie, 11, who has high-functioning autism. Both girls also have a connective tissue disorder called Ehlers-Danlos syndrome.
Support groups help parents feel less alone and provide valuable resources for assistance in childcare, school issues and navigating healthcare. “The biggest thing for me was to know that I wasn’t in this by myself— that I wasn’t the only person who had a child who didn’t sleep well— that I wasn’t the only one with a child who was now three and not talking,” Masannat says.
Other ideas to brighten a friend’s day:
- Purchase a gift certificate for a massage or manicure
- If you plan to have the family over, ask your friend if you should be aware of any food sensitivities or specific ground rules to ensure a successful visit
- Offer to babysit and/or help with siblings
- Help with getting kids to practices/appointments
- Deliver a meal
- Mow their lawn
- Send a bouquet of cheerful flowers
- Arrange for a house cleaning crew
- Ask if you can pick up anything while running errands
- Mail an encouraging card